Feeling Like a Failure: Lessons Learned to Bounce Back

Mindset and Habits
January 8, 2025
byCharlotte

Let’s face it, we’ve all been there. That moment when we feel like a failure, and the weight of it keeps us stuck, questioning our worth and direction. But the truth is: failure is not the end—it’s a stepping stone to something better. It’s not a permanent state unless we choose to make it so. The term “failure” comes from the proto-Indo European root that means ‘to stumble or fall’. That’s all it is – a temporary setback. In fact, failure is one of life’s most powerful teachers. It nudges us toward growth and self-awareness. And like anyone else, I’ve failed a lot! As I am writing this, I am currently experiencing a very intense burnout. I’ve missed many personal goals and stumbled more times than I can count. Yet, each of those stumbles has taught me invaluable lessons that I want to share today.

9 Lessons Learned From Failure to Bounce Back

Redefining Failure: A Temporary Transition

Failure isn’t the catastrophic end we often make it out to be. It’s not a stamp on your worth or a sign to give up; it’s a natural part of progress. Let’s strip away the stigma for a moment and see failure for what it truly is: a temporary phase that propels us forward. When we fail, it’s easy to spiral into self-doubt and assume that our misstep defines us.

Thinking of yourself as a failure, however, creates a dangerous cycle: you stop trying, which leads to more perceived failures, and round and round you go. Breaking this cycle starts with a mindset shift: failure is a transition state, not a permanent one.

According to research on resilience, individuals with high resilience levels tend to demonstrate greater perseverance, with studies showing that those scoring high on resilience measures may persist through challenges at a rate significantly higher (around 96%) compared to those with low resilience (around 49%) who might give up more easily on goals; essentially highlighting that embracing failure as a learning opportunity can foster resilience and lead to greater success in the long run.

Think about it: every time we fail, we’re given a chance to learn something new. It’s like a personal training session for life, showing us what works, what doesn’t, and where we can improve. This reframing helps us see setbacks as moments of clarity rather than defeat.

Failure is also an indicator of effort. You only fail if you’ve dared to try something. That courage alone is worth celebrating! Each attempt, regardless of the outcome, builds resilience, and refines your abilities. Over time, these small lessons add up, shaping a stronger, wiser version of yourself. Instead of fearing failure, lean into it. Embrace it as an essential part of the journey toward self-improvement.

The Expectation Trap

Often, our feelings of failure stem from the gap between reality and the expectations we set for ourselves. Expectations can be motivating, but they can also become traps when they’re unrealistic or poorly timed. How often do we measure our success against a version of ourselves that doesn’t consider the obstacles, the learning curves, or the time it takes to build something meaningful? This pressure can lead us to feel like we’ve failed even when we’re making progress, just not at the pace we imagined.

Take the time to reassess what “success” means to you. Are your expectations based on your values and goals, or are they influenced by external pressures and societal norms? Understanding the root of your expectations can help you recalibrate them to be more aligned with your current reality. For instance, instead of expecting to master a new skill overnight, try focusing on small, consistent steps forward. Over time, these incremental wins add up to significant achievements. Reflecting on your journey and celebrating how far you’ve come can provide much-needed perspective and encouragement to keep going.

I’ve faced countless moments where my high expectations left me feeling deflated. When I set out to launch a new project or learn a new skill, I often found myself disappointed when I don’t immediately excel. I literally get frustrated at myself after a few weeks of practice. But with time, I’ve learned that these feelings don’t mean I’ve failed; they mean I’m learning and evolving. Taking a moment to pause, reflect, and celebrate small victories has been a game-changer. A study showed that the average person has four “small wins” a day, or 1,460 every year, and 87 percent of surveyees found these wins to be crucial for powering through the day. Whether I have a quiet toast with my partner or go out with friends to celebrate some accomplishments, these rituals remind me that progress, not perfection, is what truly matters.

Lean Into Feeling Like a Failure, Then Snap Out of It

Acknowledging negative emotions is a strength, not a weakness. Ignoring them doesn’t make them disappear—it prolongs their impact, festering beneath the surface until they demand attention. Leaning into these feelings doesn’t mean wallowing in them indefinitely; it means pausing to understand what they’re trying to tell you. Often, emotions like frustration, sadness, or even anger are signposts pointing to unmet needs or unspoken fears. This reflection has been part of my burnout recovery, and practicing mindfulness has been an essential process to regain clarity and momentum. While I was trying to simply ignore my negative emotions to not “waste time”, I ended up wasting more time by not acknowledging I needed rest.

Consider this: if you’re caught in a rainstorm, pretending it’s sunny won’t keep you dry. What you usually do instead is, you grab an umbrella, face the rain, and wait for the storm to pass. Negative emotions are no different. Confronting your emotions can feel uncomfortable—like standing in the downpour—but it’s necessary for growth. It’s about giving yourself permission to feel, process, and ultimately release those emotions rather than suppressing them.

Going through my own burnout, I’ve discovered the power of taking intentional breaks. Stepping back to recharge and reassess isn’t giving up; it’s preparation. Think of it as hitting pause on a movie that’s too intense; you take a breather, gain perspective, and come back ready to tackle the plot with renewed focus. Rest is not a luxury; it’s a vital part of the recovery and learning process. Much like athletes schedule rest days to avoid injury and optimize performance, we need those pauses to function at our best mentally and emotionally.

Once you’ve leaned into the feeling and understood its roots, the next step is to shift gears. Moving forward could mean journaling about your thoughts, seeking advice from someone you trust, or even engaging in an activity that sparks joy or clarity. Action, however small, can serve as a bridge between feeling stuck and regaining momentum. Remember, moving past negative emotions doesn’t erase them—it transforms them into stepping stones for growth.

Fail Fast, Learn Faster

Here’s a game-changing perspective: failures save time. They act as a filter, eliminating paths that lead nowhere and guiding you toward the ones that do. Imagine stumbling upon a dead end; it’s frustrating, sure, but now you know to try a different route. So you won’t even try this dead end next time. In this way, failure is less about stopping and more about rerouting. Each misstep becomes a marker of progress, not a sign of defeat, embodying the principles of a growth mindset and the ongoing journey of self-improvement.

In business, for instance, I’ve seen firsthand how failures are goldmines of insight. One of my earlier projects failed spectacularly—but in dissecting what went wrong, I discovered weak spots in my strategy that I’d previously overlooked. That knowledge wasn’t just useful; it was transformative. The faster you identify what isn’t working, the quicker you can pivot. In many ways, failure is the ultimate fast-track to mastery. It’s about making mistakes count.

This reminds me of a book I really recommend: The Lean Startup by Eric Ries. It is technically about building startups, but its core idea— “fail fast and learn faster”—applies to everything in life. It’s all about testing things quickly, learning from what doesn’t work, and using those lessons to move forward. And this is what life is all about: Trying, failing, and figuring it out as you go?

When you’re willing to experiment and fail, you’re again building resilience. Each time you try again, you’re better equipped to stay upright. Failure sharpens your instincts, fine-tunes your approach, and accelerates growth. Each setback carries a lesson, often more valuable than any success because it forces you to adapt and innovate.

Start Before You’re Ready

Perfectionism is a sneaky trap that convinces us we need to wait until everything is flawless before we take action. But the truth is, you’ll never feel 100% ready. There’s a French saying I’ve come to love: “Mieux vaut fait que parfait,” which means “Better done than perfect.” Although it definitely sounds better in French, you get the idea. It reminds me of the importance of embracing imperfection as vital steps in personal growth. The simple act of starting—even when it feels messy or imperfect—is often the hardest part. But it’s also where the magic begins.

When I started my first business, I was terrified. I had no idea where it would lead me. I didn’t know what being a startup founder entailed—let alone being one in a foreign country. But I was driven by a cause: reducing waste pollution in our oceans and supporting informal waste collectors in Indonesia. That passion gave me the courage to begin. Everything else—the tools, the skills, the formalities—became part of the learning process. Although this incredible journey came to an end after four years of collective hard work, it left me with more lessons than any other experience I’ve had. I wasn’t ready when I started, but perhaps that’s why I grew so much.

The same applies to launching this blog. I didn’t have all the answers or the perfect setup when I began—and I still don’t. But I started anyway. Every post I write teaches me something new. Practice is the only way to improve, and you can’t practice without starting. Beginning imperfectly allows you to gather real-world feedback, which is far more valuable than endless planning.

Face Your Fears

Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear. Fear has a unique way of magnifying the unknown, distorting reality, and convincing us to stay within the boundaries of our comfort zones. It whispers doubts that make even the smallest steps forward seem daunting. But the truth is, comfort zones are like soft, cozy cages—safe but stagnant. Growth rarely happens in places of ease. It’s in the unfamiliar, the uncertain, and the uncomfortable where transformation takes root.

I’ve felt this countless times. When I launched my first business, NoLimbah, I was overwhelmed by fear—of failure, of judgment, of not being good enough. The unknown was vast, and I had no guarantees of success. But I pushed forward, step by step. Solo traveling over the past decade has been another source of growth. At first, setting out alone felt daunting—the unfamiliarity of new places, the language barriers, and the unpredictability of it all. Yet each travel strengthened my confidence and showed me that I could discover the world and its challenges on my own terms.

Each of those moments taught me something invaluable: fear is often a signal, not a stop sign. It means you’re standing at the edge of something meaningful, something that has the potential to change you for the better. Of course, always consider whether you’re wanting to jump. After all, fear is also here for good reasons and to prevent us from doing stupid things sometimes. But I can guarantee you that most times, our fears only come from how uncomfortable we are to get outside of our comfort zone. And whenever that’s the only reason holding you back, take a leap of faith! Every scary step I’ve taken has made me stronger, more resilient, and more confident. Progress often lies in discomfort, waiting for us to stretch ourselves beyond what we thought possible.

Lean into that discomfort and take the first step forward, even if it feels imperfect. You might just surprise yourself with how far you can go.

Be Resourceful

There are always multiple solutions to a problem—always. If one path doesn’t work, find another. In today’s connected world, the resources at your fingertips are limitless. Google, forums, podcasts, online courses, and shared experiences are your allies. The amount of free knowledge out there is baffling, and there’s no excuse not to tap into it. It always surprises me how many people still don’t think to Google their problems as their first step. In a world where information is so easily accessible, it feels almost unbelievable that some people skip this simple yet powerful tool. “Google is your friend” isn’t just a phrase; it’s a friendly reminder of the infinite resources we have at our fingertips.

Becoming resourceful does not necessarily mean you’ll find solutions for everything ; but it certainly means that you’ll be cultivating the mindset that solutions exist. You’ll believe in your ability to adapt and overcome. For example, when I faced challenges with this blog’s design, I turned to YouTube tutorials, online communities and free courses. The insights I gained saved me hours of frustration and gave me the tools I needed to move forward.

Someone, somewhere, has likely faced the exact challenge you’re dealing with. Their insights can be the shortcut you need. Whether it’s learning a new skill, solving a problem, or dealing with a tough situation, the key is to stay curious and proactive. Resourcefulness is a superpower, and it’s one you can build with practice.

Know When to Let Go

One of the hardest lessons I’ve learnt is knowing when to persevere and when to let go. It’s a delicate balance, but deep down, we often know the answer. A mentor once told me, “Leave no stone unturned, so you have no regrets down the line.” This advice has guided me through tough decisions, helping me assess whether it’s time to pivot or keep pushing forward.

Letting go means redirecting your energy toward something more aligned with your goals and values. When you do, you make peace with the past and step confidently into the future. For me, this lesson hit home when I had to walk away from my business venture after it became clear we’d reached a dead end. It was a painful decision, but it opened the door to new opportunities and a clearer path forward.

Letting go is an act of courage. It’s trusting that better things are ahead and that you’re not defined by what didn’t work out. Sometimes, the best way to honour your journey is to release what’s holding you back and make space for what’s next.

Write It Down

Journaling isn’t just cathartic—it’s clarifying. There’s something magical about putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard). It forces you to slow down, reflect, and articulate your thoughts in a way that brings clarity and insight. Writing about what’s working and what’s not can help you connect the dots in ways you didn’t see before.

For me, journaling has become a cherished ritual. I’ve made it a habit to carry my journal around because inspiration can strike anywhere. These moments of reflection help me process my emotions, identify patterns, and make better decisions. Over time, these written reflections become my roadmap for growth.

If you’re new to journaling, start simple. Write about your day, your wins, your challenges, or even your dreams. There’s no right or wrong way to do it—just let your thoughts flow.

Failure isn’t the enemy—it’s the guide that points us to what’s next. If you embrace failure as a stepping stone, reflect on its lessons, and celebrate your progress, you can bounce back stronger and wiser. Remember: you’re not defined by your failures. You’re defined by how you rise after them. Keep going, one step at a time.